Dear Jane,

You’ve been bitter lately. Joe wrote to complain. He is no longer feeling safe. He’s been asking himself all sort of questions. “Did I hurt her?” “What have I done wrong?” “Am I not taking care of her enough?” He has grown very suspicious of himself and his actions…all his actions and inactions, he has piled up for self-auditing. At least you look inward when you don’t see the answer outward. He’s scrutinizing himself without committing any offence.

You know what? He’s not at fault. You have been taking him for the guy who left! You felt someone must pay for what the other guy did. And so, you feel it has to be him. It’s a case of tit for tat. Someone hurt you and you must pass the hurt on, in return to attain balance. You’ve forgotten that two wrongs do not make a right. The more this guy try the more you make it difficult for him to try. He’s not going to be running after you like this forever. I do hope you know that? He will get tired some days. And he will leave you. You might not even imagine he could do such. You’ll just come back home to see he has gone. You are not giving him what is right of you. You’ve decided to give what is left. Good guys can go bad when you maltreat them. when a guy like that will leave you, he will still be around you. he may even take you out a day earlier and you’ll have a nice time. In real sense, he has gone.

I’m not here to judge you. I’ve come to call you to reasoning. The guy that left did wrong. You had fell headlong in love with him. Sacrifice upon sacrifice, you’ve made for him. The investment you lost in that relationship was huge. You’ve even gone the extra mile of visiting the other room with him. I wouldn’t blame him too much for that. It’s not without your consent. But the way you are treating this new guy is awful. It’s like he’s the lamb of God who came to cartaway the misdeeds of the other guy. He’s trying you know! He wouldn’t want you hurt. He’ll do everything to protect you. But you keep running out of his covering. You’ve not healed completely from the previous relationship before rushing into this. Each time you’re about to be healed, you peel the scab to start hurting afresh. Being bitter will not make you better. Many at times, God allow good thing to fall apart for you for better thing to fall in place. The guy that left was a cheat. But you know this new guy isn’t. it should give you an ounce of rest of mind. The guy in the present is a present. Don’t miss out on this amazing guy. The ex was constantly telling you lies. But this new guy has been fair enough in opening up his heart to you. He’s laid everything bare for you to see with the hope that you will trust him and then feel secured. But the truth is scaring you. something keeps telling you, you need to tighten up your security a bit more. When he comes close to breaking the wall of partition between you both. All you do to assist him is to hire more presumptuous evidences to build more wall.

You’ve got to pity this guy. A good man is quite hard to find. The way you’ve turned yourself into lil Jezebel that this guy must worship before he can access you will not always be like that.

Love is trust. It’s a leap of faith. Love might lack on some ground of evidences at the beginning but when you see one two or three instances saying same thing, you need to pay close attention. There might be truth in it.

In our emotional economy, our default state of mind is usually free, safe and positive. It’s a free trade zone at the beginning. Everyone is not suspecting the other. In the midst of the transactions. When you encounter a negative occurrence that drains you a bit. There’s a tilt towards the negative. A positive occurrence tilt your heart inclination towards the positive. The net value of the tiltings for a phase of life determine the balance brought forward in the next phase. Your ex has drag you to the negative. You need to recalibrate to be back in the positive zone. Stop seeing all men as cheat. You’ve not even met a quarter of them. When you enter a relationship on a negative account without sorting yourself, you might end up giving this new guy an impression that all ladies are bitter. Only few of us knows that, that is fallacy of hasty generalization.

Where you are going is farther than where you are coming from. You’re giving your ex too much power by being bitter. You are in charge of your happiness. Take charge of it. You will need to move on. Stop comparing his ghost with this real man here. What you think of your ex is just a figment of your imagination. He is long gone. Gather what is left and start afresh with this guy who is ready to accept you with your baggage. Everyone has too. Your best life is not in the past. Your better life is in front. You’ve suffered this new guy enough. And if you’re not ready to get healed. Tell him to leave and allow you to nurse your wounds. If he chose to stay and walk with you through the healing process, it’s his choice. Life is about always moving on. Stop competing with the ghost that is not there. Leave this scab. You’re due for healing.

Amore cum ab,

Yeni Manuel.

© | 2016

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About the author

Yeni Manuel

Ayeni Emmanuel Olaoluwa; Yeni Manuel for short is a young and agile man with the vision to "light up your light". He holds a Bachelor of Engineering degree in Civil Engineering from Nigeria's foremost University of Technology; The Federal University of Technology, Akure. He has passion for writing and a legendary penchant for human development. He loves reading, travelling, researching, counselling and taking time to talk people to life. He's a practising graduate engineer and certified PMP and he enjoys it.

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