Dear Joe,

You need to know this before it gets to that point; your mum is your mum and your wife is your wife. It is a symptom of childishness if give your mum priority over the future you should be committed to. It is shear wisdom to know that your mum is living her own life, you need to live yours. It is good to love your mum, in fact, you should stay away from those church folks telling you to steer clear from your parents. She’s like a god. She had a vision of a being called “you” before you were born. Long before then, she was preparing the nest for the arrival of you. Carrying you in her womb for months is worthy of note too. You cannot underestimate the commitment of your mum to your life. She’s a great blessing. She’s the definition of womanhood you knew before you met this lady. There is no doubt that her lifestyle has coloured your perspective and ideology of what a woman should be. Your mum is surely a sine qua non in the equation of your life. Removing her might tend your life towards zero.

But life is in phases, manhood is in phases too. There was a time you were but a baby. You were soft, flexible and bendable. You couldn’t do anything by yourself. At that stage of life, your life is dependent on what they do for you. you were baptised and sold out even before you could make a decision for yourself. You didn’t choose, they chose for you. They couldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. They own the responsibility of cleaning up your mess. Everything you are told is taken as it is.
That was a stage of life. It was a passage and not a destination. You arrived later at the shore of confusion. You couldn’t take it all unanswered. You’ve grown more inquisitive and you asked questions; life questions so hard for your parents to answer. You begin to take decisions. They felt you were growing rebellious in many ways. At least you are grown. Life has given the opportunity of confirmation of your baptism if you agree with the terms signed for you. It is another passage in life.
There is a third stage that you will enter sooner or later. Your parents are praying that it should come on time. It is the stage of your second reunion. It is a realignment of will. At that point in time, you’ve made some mistakes and learnt your parents are right about many things if not all things.

But you shouldn’t become mom’s big baby. She’s served a whole lot in your life. Wisdom now entails, you knowing the stage of your life that matters. The third stage of your life is good, but I think it will be better if it comes with a manual of operation for effective optimization and management of relationships you’re into; with this lady and with your mom. Your parents are respectable people when you put them in their place. I’ve heard you saying you will take your wife for a tutorial from your mum, to learn your family tradition, how to cook your family meal and the likes. It is belittling. You will run this lady crazy. You want to mess her up, change her configurations by changing the same qualities that drew you to her. It’s like buying an iPhone 7 and wanting to install the os of Nokia 3310 because that is what you were used to. Marriage always comes with packs of tools that tune and change people. The moment you take the covenant and you commit unto one another. You are no longer “you” and she’s no longer herself. You are one new unit. The Bible gave a strict order that the purpose of marriage will cause you to “leave” your father and mother to be clinged unto someone new. It means you will need to change your approach to life. You will need a newer version of you. you want a better life than your parents lived. Why should you be conditioning this lady to be like your mum? This lady will feel you’re doing that because she’s not good enough. Imagine if she also wants you to be like her father who already holds two degrees before twenty-four. You’re almost twenty seven still on your first degree and your CGPA cannot flash MTN to MTN. Will it not be suicidal to pressure you into holding two degrees before marriage. In a way, you are supposed to be a better version of her dad. So why not consider karma and check what it will look like if she wants you to go and stay with her dad too to learn.
Life requires series of changes by time. What worked for you while you were a millionaire can be against you while you are racing to become a billionaire. Answers change by the day. You know it is right to say Obama is the president of United States today if you say that by 21st of January, 2017 you will be wrong. I’ll advise you…love your fiancé the way she is and for who she is. An attempt to modify her into the 20th century version of your mum in a 21st century world will yield nothing but disaster. Live in the moment. Stop placing your mum over her. And don’t also look down on your mum. She will feel insecure if your relationship with your mum is awkward. Learn to put people where they belong. Your mom might have sacrificed a lot for you. but she’s not Jesus. She should not make you a baby when you have a lady you’re committed to already. In days to come some “young armies” will be calling you dad and asking you questions. You have failed if everything you’re telling them is what “my mummy said”. Have a heart of your own. You will need to change the culture if you must have a better marriage than your parents are having. Be willing to explore the adventure marriage will bring you. Take the leap and don’t be confined by the farmiliarity of family tradition if you intend to go far. Nothing strangles success like psychosclerosis and homeostasis. Do yourself a favour and look up what it means before I write you again. May you have a fulfilling home.

Amore cum ab,
Yeni Manuel.

© | 2016

About the author

Yeni Manuel

Ayeni Emmanuel Olaoluwa; Yeni Manuel for short is a young and agile man with the vision to "light up your light". He holds a Bachelor of Engineering degree in Civil Engineering from Nigeria's foremost University of Technology; The Federal University of Technology, Akure. He has passion for writing and a legendary penchant for human development. He loves reading, travelling, researching, counselling and taking time to talk people to life. He's a practising graduate engineer and certified PMP and he enjoys it.

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